I've decided to start writing in my LiveJournal again after abandoning it for MySpace blogs for awhile there. I miss it; there's something to be said about pouring your heart out in cyber space and sounding like a complete bratty fucktard that makes you feel better lol. I'd just like to state for the record that a lot of my previous entries are blocked or private due to unwanted readers and such, however, I don't care who reads this thing anymore. Plus, I've also decided to start writing in this journal again instead of my former "new" one, theLwerd. That one just didn't work out for me I guess. I dunno. Besides, if I do resume that LJ again as a symbolic "starting over" then I'll wait until the beginning of my sophmore year I guess. I dunno. And yeah, if undesired people start reading this again (which I don't think they will) then I'll just start making my entries private or whatever. Ok, forget it... I'm just moving on.
A Quick Summary Of This Past Year
I started college off COMPLETELY on the wrong foot; I fucked up my grades hardcore, and I'm honestly terrified that I really screwed myself BIG TIME. I was put on severe academic probation after the first semester. Also by the end of the first semester, I had broken up with Sam and for the most part established an aquaintenceshop with Katie Cuntface (my roommate). I also started dating Aly, this seemingly perect person who turned out to be a big fraud lol.
Anyway, the second semester was a bit better. I was in a pretty fucked up relationship, but luckily I didn't let it affect my grades much and I pulled through enough to maintain enrollment at Rutgers. I actually did really well, but the shadow of my first semester (in which I just gave up like a fucking failure due to depression and shit) still haunted me. Aly and I were on this rollercoaster of a relationship up until... well, June actually.
Now that it's summer, Aly and I are in separable. I practically LIVE with her - no joke. I started working at The Gap (hooray for discounts!), but despite its extremely close proximity to my house, I still stay at Aly's almost every single night. I don't think we've spent more than 1 or 2 nights apart since the summer began!
A huge part of the reason why I stay at Aly's so much is that I feel really comfortable there. I truly love her family and am so incredibly thankful for their warmth and acceptance. I don't know how to express my gratitude without sounding like a complete tool, so I really wish they knew how much I appreciated them without me having to say it... I'm a little shy (when it comes to that) lol. I don't want to sound like an asshole who is trying too hard, ya know? But honestly, from the bottom of my heart I am so thankful to finally "belong" somewhere, even though I don't think I REALLY belong there. A part of me knows that her mom just feels bad for me (because Aly told her what a bunch of dicks my parents can be sometimes - ugh - thanks Aly!), and the other part of me knows that her mom is nice to me because I make her daughter happy, and not because she really likes me I guess... do you get what I'm saying?
Anyway, things with the parentals got A LOT better when I was in school... nothing like high school. A lot less fights and such, but that's expected since I didn't live at home. When I got home for the summer, I did fight with my parents a lot more. Mostly about money issues. My mom stopped working for almost a year, so things got pretty tight around my house and I know that I'm an expensive kid (I guess?). At first my mom forbid me to get a job, so I mooched off her (apparently a little too much) which caused problems. Add on to that the fact that I came out to my parents, and basically the shit hit the fan. They didn't flip out about my sexuality or whatever, but they weren't exactly THRILLED. I mean we don't talk much about it... at all actually... but it's another reason why I don't like being at my house. I just don't feel comfortable here!
But yeah, I'm with Aly every single day anyway like I said a million times. She goes to work, and while she's working I'm either at work also OR just hanging out in her house watching tv, playing video games, reading, fooling around on the piano, seeing what's up in cyber space, on the phone, swimming, etc. I never get bored lol. When Aly gets home we like to eat out a lot (no pun intended!), play video games, watch movies, go to the driving range, etc. We always have fun, even when we're doing nothing. I love that about us. I also love that she's mine all mine now, and our relationship is nowhere near as shady, one-sided or fucked up as it was in the past. Aly has a lot of growing up to do, but I would rather work through her/our issues together than be completely miserable without her.
One gripe I have is that NONE of my friends from NY have come to visit me in NJ everrr. Mikey came to RU twice when Sam took him, and actually Spanky visited me twice too... oh, and Ro has came and saw me a few times (but she doesn't count cuz she's family). Other than that, nobody has made an effort to see me or anything, which is really sad because I go into New York ALL the time to visit everyone! I mean, apparently people can make it to Jersey when they have concerts to attend and such, but I'm not a priority which is typical. It was the same as when I lived in Staten Isl ::shrugs::
I'm stoked about going back to RU! I miss school SO much! The few friends I have in Jersey I have met in school, but they all live kinda far and none of us have the time/money/energy to drive all over the Garden State for visits. I'm not exaggerating when I say that Aly is my only friend here lol (in the summer anyway). I don't have the privilege of seeing "my friends from home" over the summer, cuz all my friends are back in NY! I have to wait until August/September in order to see all my RU friends, but that's not the only reason I'm excited to go back. I just honestly can't wait to start school again; I feel like a complete LUSH even though I'm working! I just feel like I'm not going anywhere or doing anything with my life but wasting time. Ugh. I really should have taken summer classes, but whatevz. You live and learn. I also can't wait to start fresh with a new schedule, and perhaps a new roommate? I would love a single (I don't think I have been assigned a roommate thus far - yay!) but I'm too excited about dorm shopping in general to care about who I live with. I'll be busy anyway... I just hope it's not another cuntface like Katie was! Anyhoo, I'm also excited about school supply shopping lol. I'm such a dork! You love it. But I love shopping in general... I *really* need to make a lot of money to support myself!
But yeah, that is all my friends! I know you all missed me, but it's ok - I don't mind if none of ya'll comment or whatever. It's all good. This is mostly for me, because I really like being able to look back on random days/memories with the click of a mouse. Sometimes I pick random days from like 2003 just to see what I was up to back then. The verdict is in: I'm still a miserable fuck! But still loveable ♥