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DanieLLe

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Siiigh [August the 5th, 2006 - 7:07 PM]
[ mood | sad ]

I'm sad because Aly went to Linens-N-Things without me. I haven't gone without her once since I've known her... and we go together like 3 times a week...? Oh well. I'm dumb. Sam will get this; others will not :/

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Guess Who's Back, Back Again [July the 13th, 2006 - 8:09 PM]
[ mood | Fighting with the parentals... ]

Danielle's Back - Tell A Friend!

I've decided to start writing in my LiveJournal again after abandoning it for MySpace blogs for awhile there. I miss it; there's something to be said about pouring your heart out in cyber space and sounding like a complete bratty fucktard that makes you feel better lol. I'd just like to state for the record that a lot of my previous entries are blocked or private due to unwanted readers and such, however, I don't care who reads this thing anymore. Plus, I've also decided to start writing in this journal again instead of my former "new" one, theLwerd. That one just didn't work out for me I guess. I dunno. Besides, if I do resume that LJ again as a symbolic "starting over" then I'll wait until the beginning of my sophmore year I guess. I dunno. And yeah, if undesired people start reading this again (which I don't think they will) then I'll just start making my entries private or whatever. Ok, forget it... I'm just moving on.

A Quick Summary Of This Past Year

I started college off COMPLETELY on the wrong foot; I fucked up my grades hardcore, and I'm honestly terrified that I really screwed myself BIG TIME. I was put on severe academic probation after the first semester. Also by the end of the first semester, I had broken up with Sam and for the most part established an aquaintenceshop with Katie Cuntface (my roommate). I also started dating Aly, this seemingly perect person who turned out to be a big fraud lol.

Anyway, the second semester was a bit better. I was in a pretty fucked up relationship, but luckily I didn't let it affect my grades much and I pulled through enough to maintain enrollment at Rutgers. I actually did really well, but the shadow of my first semester (in which I just gave up like a fucking failure due to depression and shit) still haunted me. Aly and I were on this rollercoaster of a relationship up until... well, June actually.

Now that it's summer, Aly and I are in separable. I practically LIVE with her - no joke. I started working at The Gap (hooray for discounts!), but despite its extremely close proximity to my house, I still stay at Aly's almost every single night. I don't think we've spent more than 1 or 2 nights apart since the summer began!

A huge part of the reason why I stay at Aly's so much is that I feel really comfortable there. I truly love her family and am so incredibly thankful for their warmth and acceptance. I don't know how to express my gratitude without sounding like a complete tool, so I really wish they knew how much I appreciated them without me having to say it... I'm a little shy (when it comes to that) lol. I don't want to sound like an asshole who is trying too hard, ya know? But honestly, from the bottom of my heart I am so thankful to finally "belong" somewhere, even though I don't think I REALLY belong there. A part of me knows that her mom just feels bad for me (because Aly told her what a bunch of dicks my parents can be sometimes - ugh - thanks Aly!), and the other part of me knows that her mom is nice to me because I make her daughter happy, and not because she really likes me I guess... do you get what I'm saying?

Anyway, things with the parentals got A LOT better when I was in school... nothing like high school. A lot less fights and such, but that's expected since I didn't live at home. When I got home for the summer, I did fight with my parents a lot more. Mostly about money issues. My mom stopped working for almost a year, so things got pretty tight around my house and I know that I'm an expensive kid (I guess?). At first my mom forbid me to get a job, so I mooched off her (apparently a little too much) which caused problems. Add on to that the fact that I came out to my parents, and basically the shit hit the fan. They didn't flip out about my sexuality or whatever, but they weren't exactly THRILLED. I mean we don't talk much about it... at all actually... but it's another reason why I don't like being at my house. I just don't feel comfortable here!

But yeah, I'm with Aly every single day anyway like I said a million times. She goes to work, and while she's working I'm either at work also OR just hanging out in her house watching tv, playing video games, reading, fooling around on the piano, seeing what's up in cyber space, on the phone, swimming, etc. I never get bored lol. When Aly gets home we like to eat out a lot (no pun intended!), play video games, watch movies, go to the driving range, etc. We always have fun, even when we're doing nothing. I love that about us. I also love that she's mine all mine now, and our relationship is nowhere near as shady, one-sided or fucked up as it was in the past. Aly has a lot of growing up to do, but I would rather work through her/our issues together than be completely miserable without her.

One gripe I have is that NONE of my friends from NY have come to visit me in NJ everrr. Mikey came to RU twice when Sam took him, and actually Spanky visited me twice too... oh, and Ro has came and saw me a few times (but she doesn't count cuz she's family). Other than that, nobody has made an effort to see me or anything, which is really sad because I go into New York ALL the time to visit everyone! I mean, apparently people can make it to Jersey when they have concerts to attend and such, but I'm not a priority which is typical. It was the same as when I lived in Staten Isl ::shrugs::

The Fyootcha!

I'm stoked about going back to RU! I miss school SO much! The few friends I have in Jersey I have met in school, but they all live kinda far and none of us have the time/money/energy to drive all over the Garden State for visits. I'm not exaggerating when I say that Aly is my only friend here lol (in the summer anyway). I don't have the privilege of seeing "my friends from home" over the summer, cuz all my friends are back in NY! I have to wait until August/September in order to see all my RU friends, but that's not the only reason I'm excited to go back. I just honestly can't wait to start school again; I feel like a complete LUSH even though I'm working! I just feel like I'm not going anywhere or doing anything with my life but wasting time. Ugh. I really should have taken summer classes, but whatevz. You live and learn. I also can't wait to start fresh with a new schedule, and perhaps a new roommate? I would love a single (I don't think I have been assigned a roommate thus far - yay!) but I'm too excited about dorm shopping in general to care about who I live with. I'll be busy anyway... I just hope it's not another cuntface like Katie was! Anyhoo, I'm also excited about school supply shopping lol. I'm such a dork! You love it. But I love shopping in general... I *really* need to make a lot of money to support myself!

But yeah, that is all my friends! I know you all missed me, but it's ok - I don't mind if none of ya'll comment or whatever. It's all good. This is mostly for me, because I really like being able to look back on random days/memories with the click of a mouse. Sometimes I pick random days from like 2003 just to see what I was up to back then. The verdict is in: I'm still a miserable fuck! But still loveable ♥

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[September the 4th, 2005 - 11:35 AM]
NEW JOURNAL!
It's here! Check Out: theLwerd - my new journal.
I'll add as many people as I remember, and if I don't add you, simply add me and I'll put you on. It's a "Friends Only" journal so don't forget! It will also be a lot different than my current journal (you'll see how shortly) and the most unique journal that I have seen, so check it out :-D
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Summer Sun, Something's Begun... [June the 22nd, 2005 - 4:27 PM]
[ mood | tired ]

Yesterday was fun. I hit up South Beach with Mikey, Jodi and Nicole. I think I'm gonna start going there a lot more often just so I don't have to sit in the house all the time and I can actually swim, get out, etc. That is if I don't get the 2nd job that I applied for last night. Oman. Most intimidating job interview ever, yet I think I did fairly decent. Part of me hopes I didn't though so I can have my summer days free, and because the job really sounds rather difficult. Long, hard hours... meh, not what I'm looking for as a summer part time job, ya know?

Anyway, the diet has gone absolutely nowhere thus far. It all started back on Diet Day 1 when my gma insisted on feeding me pasta and meatballs because I wasn't feeling good and haven't eaten. From there, it all went downhill. You get the picture. I definitely need to do something though, bc my gma has consistently called me fat for the past 3 days and it's getting annoying lol. OK I GET IT GMA!!! By the way, for any of you health conscious people or dieters out there, you should check out the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that the "South Beach Diet" company produces. They're awesome, and this is coming from someone who HATES diet food!

Today is a very special day, and I'll update about it later on when I get home tonight. I have work until 10, so check for the post at around... 10:30 or 11. I dunno why I'm so tired. I slept so0o much today, but oh welp. I think my mom's gonna be home tomorrow, which I actually don't mind about because one, I wanna go to the mall and get an outfit for Saturday (The day I get to see "Movin Out" the Billy Joel musical <3) LOL! I'm so fucking excited omg! Billy <3 I also wanna open up a checking account, or at least cash my check with my mom's help, or SOMETHING.

Anyway Friday I think my mom's home again, but I'll probably just hit up the beach or something. Maybe Jodi will come with me since she's off from school. Maybe Ro can come too! It depends if she's working or not though. Umm I guess that's it. I love you all <3

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Friends Suck [June the 12th, 2005 - 11:29 AM]
[ mood | jealous ]

Work wasn't bad at all yesterday. I worked with Nadia and Ramon which was pretty cool, and even got to see Big Ron before I left. I woke up at 10, worked from 12 - 5 and then came home and talked to Sam until like 1 in the morning or something. So yep - that's my life now. Boredom, work and Sam... in that order, every single day.

Number of people to call me this week: 0
Number of people I hung out with this week: 0

Anyway, I'm really upset right now and I am feeling HELLA sorry for myself. I don't wanna talk about it because I don't want people to think I'm an asshole, nor will anyone understand OR care. The only person I wanna talk to right now is Ro, but I know she definitely won't be around to chat. Also - the same thing always happens when I talk about this stuff with Ro. We'll complain, vow to make changes, and within a week, have the same conversation all over again *sigh*

I love Ro though. She is by far the BEST friend that I have EVER had. She seriously is the only person who never disappoints me, cares about me, treats me like she loves me and not just like I'm around for her when everyone else is busy, is considerate of my feelings, includes me, shows interest in hanging out and making plans with me, keeps my secrets, talks about serious things with me, makes me laugh, never lies to me, respects me, etc. It fucking sucks for each and every one of you - and myself included - that you're all not like Ro.

But yeah. Life sucks right now because I'm so fucking bored. I hate you all for that, and that's the truth. I am up for doing absolutely anything. I don't go into work until 5 every day, and I wake up at 8 the latest... meaning I am around each and every single day to chill, but god for fucking bid anyone thinks of me. Yes I have work on the weekends, but I'd take off to visit a friend. I'm down for road trips. I'm cool for hitting up the beach, NJ, etc. But ya know what? Fuck it. Fuck everybody. I can't fucking wait to get the hell off of this island and make new friends.

Unsincerely yours,
Danielle

PS: Remember that e-mail I sent a lot of you about possibly having some sort of getaway this summer to Point Pleasant, Wildwood, Seaside, Hershey Park, etc? Well fuck it. I'm not organizing shit. If it happens it happens, but don't count on me to fucking make it happen because right now I couldn't care less about it. If I go, I go... maybe you'll come, maybe you won't. I *seriously* do not care anymore. Not right now anyway.

BYE.

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Prom!!! Woo...Hoo. [June the 2nd, 2005 - 2:21 PM]
[ mood | sad ]

Today's the prom - the day I've dreamed about since I was a little girl. My plans for today + this evening? Run errands, go online, talk to Sam who's sick and feeling blah *FEEL BETTER BABE* and umm that's about it. No hair or nail appointment, no dress, no limo, no friends, no fun. Just boredom and work tonight - what a lovely combination!

I also have work on Saturday: the day of my graduation. The question is... will I graduate? Hmm, let's see. Mr. Diaz just called and left a message on my machine (that I erased) saying that I never handed in my final meaning I didn't complete the course... meaning I won't graduate. Well I also didn't hand in my AP European History final, so what does that tell ya? Not to mention my AP Microeconomics average is oh about... a 60?

I definitely have summer school, and probably other BS things involving Moore Catholic. Oh! And I didn't hand in my books yet, meaning I didn't get my yearbook or anything... hmm. I DEFINITELY HAVE TO DO THAT TOMORROW! Tomorrow MORNING to be exact, since I have work from 11-3. Then after that I'm supposed to hang out with Victor, bc he asked me to... (Did ya hear that Jodi? He asked me to hang out on Friday bc I only have work til 3, and I said yes! What a revelation! Someone asks me to hang out when I tell them I'm free and I agree!)

Well anyway, I'm all upset and emotional right now bc of this school shit... God why can't it just be fucking OVER?! Also bc I just watched My Girl, which for some reason has been leaving me hysterical crying lately! I mean I've seen the movie 1,000 times as a kid, and now all of a sudden when I watch it I always wind up hysterical at the end lol. I guess my fear of death has increased - but not my own death - the death of loved ones (Sam) *tear*

So... I can't stop thinking about prom - ahh! I never in a million years thought I wouldn't be going! Someone shoot me :( *siiigh* Well I guess that's about it. I don't have much to update about other than the fact that life is still pretty shitty and I'm still a fuck up. Nothing is good anymore except for Sammy, and even that's pretty fickle.

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I'm Too Fucking Lazy [June the 1st, 2005 - 11:01 AM]
[ mood | Nervous (about school) ]

Ok, I've been losing sleep over this, so I really wanna get it out in my journal even though I know nobody can help me but myself (and it might even be too late for THAT). Well, I still never handed in my AP European History final. I don't know why I didn't - I just didn't. I usually LOVE writing reports and such (I know I'm weird, but it's true) and for some reason I could just not bring myself to do it. I can NOT force myself... it's weird. Also, I doubt he'd even accept it this late since it was due a month ago! Not only that, but I had 3 tests to take the last quarter and I only took 1... meaning I got zeros on the other two! I <3 Galli and all, and he's a GREAT teacher + nice guy, but he will NOT let me make that shit up, and that I know for a fact. I'm pretty much screwed, and I keep getting worried that RU is going to take back my acceptance! I *really* hope that doesn't happen. If it does, I'll definitely be living with Sammy (or my gma) because I'll get kicked out of the house fo sho :(

Anyway, I'm finishing up my music final (also due last week) so I can hand it in today when I go in for graduation practice at 1:30. It sucks that I'm not even GRADUATING though. I mean, sure I'll walk with my class and recieve some bullshit certificate, but I *know* I have summer school so it's not even REAL lol I still haven't GRADUATED. That sucks but that's okay. And hey - does anyone know if we're doing anything after graduation? I'm talking to you guys here (Mikey, Lisa, Niki, Ro, Nicole... I think you're the only ones from school who read my journal). My mom keeps asking what we're doing Saturday and I have no idea. I know I have work at 5 but I'll probably call out. Anyway, we should do something! Let me know!

Yesterday I didn't do anything that I had to do (go to the bank, clean my room or my finals) other than go to the eye doctor. I knew I needed to get my eyes checked again, and sure enough I found out that I have to wear glasses ALL the time now! I decided that I'm only going to wear them when I watch TV and need to see the board at school (assuming I fucking go to college), because I really don't need them for up-close at all, and I don't wanna get used to wearing them 24/7 since I just... don't want glasses lol. And I promised Sam I'd wear them while I drive, cuz ya know, seeing would be a plus while operating a vehicle! Anyway, I was uber sad about the whole four-eyes situation (lol jk) but I feel a little better about it now that I know I don't really need them ALL the time... just... when I need to see things that are far away, which is hardly ever...? I dunno! The point is, I got new glasses, and Mikey - expect to take a picture of me in them since I want Sam to see them and tell me if I look horrible in them. If I do, I'm getting new ones.

Well I should go to the bank today to open my account, but I know that I won't since I have to finish my music final, maybe shower if I have time, and then head over to graduation practice at like 1. Then when that's over, I might stop by at my gma's house or maybe even my dad's house depending on the time and my mood before I have to go to work at 5. Then tonight I plan on finishing up the last chapter or two of my porn book to Sam on the phone (haha I read to her... it's cute) and then *ahem* you know what and thennn... I dunno! But what I *do* know is that someone should make definite plans to hang out with me. Tomorrow I work 5-close also, but on Friday I only work from 11-3! Then Saturday I'm probably gonna take off of work since I graduate that day (although I might have family plans but I doubt it) and Sunday I have work from 11-3 also. So0o yeah... holla!

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[May the 4th, 2005 - 6:35 PM]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
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Randomness [May the 3rd, 2005 - 10:41 PM]
[ mood | Headache + Horny ]

I didn't go visit my dad today. I actually wanted to, but I wound up talking to Sam and fixing everything - yay! I did go to my gma's house to have dinner though. My grandparents are so cute! Best of all, I had mashed potatoes <3

So tonight I had a OTH phone date with Sam and that's about it. Tomorrow = school (boring, pointless and easy) starting with a "party" in english, which is basically Dunkin Donuts and such since my english class is at 7:30 in the morning. After school = sex shop with Lisa and James! Mikey will prolly tag along. Then I have band, and then I'm going to my gma's house for din din. I told her she had to make my mashed potatoes again... and chicken cutlets!

Dues! Sammy has NEVER had chicken cutlets... weirdo! But she's SO cute so it's ok :)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

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TBS is LOVE [May the 3rd, 2005 - 2:17 PM]
And will you tell all your friends
You've got your gun to my head?
This all was only wishful thinking.

I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you never loved me

Why can't I feel anything from anyone but you?

And all of this was all your fault

Updated Friends List [May the 3rd, 2005 - 1:56 PM]
[ mood | pissed off ]

My friends list is growing smaller and smaller...

It'll probably be edited again in the near future.

20 friends gone - 20 more to go *evil grin*

1 More Day [May the 3rd, 2005 - 1:32 PM]
[ mood | cranky ]

Dear Secret Admirer,

If you are going to continue to leave notes on my car windshield for when I get out of school, please do not leave them on anything that can look like a parking ticket from afar; for when I walk towards my car and see an official type paper flapping in the breeze, I suffer a small heart attack. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Danielle <3

Dudes! I got a 93 on my business law test! I should have gotten a 97 but obviously I made a mistake. Damnit. It's ok though - a 93 isn't bad, especially when I don't study! I don't know why all of a sudden I'm doing so awesome in that class, but I kinda like it :)

So tomorrow is my last full day of school errbody! I actually heard that it was Senior Cut Day VI lol but the whole senior class never cuts all at one time for some reason. Plus, I have band tomorrow so that's a no-go! And of course I'm going with Lisa and James to the sex shop for her birthday after school lol. Starting Thursday I have AP tests, and then Monday is when I don't have to go into school until 10:15 (hopefully) and leave at 12:30. I'm excited.

So today I'm doing... NOTHING! Woot! A few people asked me to hang out, but I'm not exactly in a great mood so I think I'm just gonna go visit my dad. I'm sure he'll make fun of me bc I look like shit today, but hopefully his abuse takes my mind off of other shit that's bothering me. I dunno. Maybe he'll be nice and I'll just get to play with my puppies. Blah. I'm leaving </3

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oxouoyxoetahxoixowejxoylgufxoeidxo [May the 3rd, 2005 - 6:56 AM]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Due to extremely ugly people that have no right to read my journal or steal the surveys that I made up, I'm gonna start making all my entries friends only. Sorry kids - no special banner or anything like that. No fancy graphics or demands that you all leave me comments... at least not yet. I *am* gonna start cleaning up my friends list soon, bc I have no clue who more than half of the people on there are and it's just a waste of space on my userinfo page. Don't worry about requesting to stay on - I know who I want on and who I don't <3

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Suck It Up [May the 2nd, 2005 - 1:41 PM]
[ mood | tired ]

Fill this out, bitches!

I ___ Danielle.
Danielle needs ____.
I want to ____ Danielle.
Danielle can ____ my ____.
Someday Danielle will _____.
Danielle reminds me of _____.
Without Danielle, _____.
Danielle can be ______.
Meeting Danielle was _______.
The worst thing about Danielle is _____.
The best thing about Danielle is _____.
I am a ____ to Danielle.
I think Danielle should _____.
I think Danielle will ______.
I think Danielle might _______.
I think Danielle is _____.
Danielle is my favorite ______.
I like when Danielle _____.
I don't like when Danielle ______.
Danielle _____ - period.

*waits for people to steal that*

Randomness: I can't get the smell of raw sewage out of my system! I had to park by a sewer today bc there were no other spots available, and ALL DAY I could NOT get the stench out of my system. Maybe it got on me or something (it can't be though bc nobody said anything, and my friends definitely would have lol) but it won't go away! It's so nasty! It smells like funky contaminated dirty musty salt water OMG it's so gross! I hope it goes away...

So school was ok today. I realized today that I really only have 2 full days of school left. Thursday and Friday my school has off, but I have to take my AP English test and AP European History test on those days, which only last a few hours so basically I have no school. Next week is the first week that I don't have english class in the morning! That means that I get to go into school late - MUCH later than the rest of you fools lol.

Technically I don't have to go in until homeroom at 8:25, but I'm going to ask the principal if I can not go to homeroom at all, because my NEXT class is AP European History (which is over once the AP test is over, so I'll have a free) and THEN it's my lunch period (yes my lunch period is at 9:30 in the morning) so that's a free too, and I don't really have to be in school until 10:15 business law. It'd be awesome if I didn't have to go to school until 10:15 every day! Then I have religion, band (I only have band a few days a week) and then I get to leave at 12:30! Because my last class is AP economics, and starting next week, that class is over as well. Awesome!

Speaking of AP Economics, I got a 70 on that test I took Friday that I studied really hard for. On one hand I am HELLA disappointed, but on the other hand, I'm really happy that I passed. That's a first! Lol actually a second; I got a 72 on the very first test we took and then failed continuosly ever since.

But anyway! All day today I felt really dumb. SO much shit is going on inside my head with so many things. Sometimes Sam hears me crying in the middle of nowhere when we're on the phone. She probably wonders what's going on since this seems to happen out of thin air, but just SO much is bothering me lately and no it's not really a NEW thing... it just kinda gets to me. I started talking to my dad again. We'll see how long this lasts. I mean yeah I'm kinda happy about it, but it definitely affects me and I just feel like I can't really talk to anyone about it. I dunno.

There's different aspects of my life that are bothering me SO much, and I seriously feel for the first time that I have nobody to talk to. Nobody who will understand anyway, or listen the way I need them to listen and actually contribute to the conversation by responding to what I say. I mean some issues are about my dad, some are about Sam and some are about life in general. It's not like I can talk to Sam about my own issues with her lol WHY CAUSE ALL THE DRAMA? Why not just leave it the way it is? But it's KILLING me not to talk about it, and nobody gives a shit enough to listen or understands or even reacts the way I want them to. I dunno.

I mean I know I have Ro - my best friend - but she just doesn't GET IT and... ugh. I can't explain it. And Jodi doesn't wanna listen to me talk about Sam cuz that would just be upsetting to her. All of my other friends don't give a fuck if something about Sam is bothering me bc they think she's God's gift to mankind or something. NOBODY understands how I feel about my dad or knows about our past. Nobody WANTS to know about our past bc they pretty much just see him as a monster, which he kinda is. People think I'm being dramatic if I talk about things that are really concerning me about life. I don't ever want to be viewed as a drama queen, so I just keep this all to myself as much as I can.

It's starting to really bother me. Now none of you better not suggest that I go to therapy lol. Who's gonna pay for it? And besides, if I tell my parents that I wanna go to therapy, you have no IDEA how much shit I will get for it. My mom and Mouse already abuse me enough with the whole mocking me thing. They'd have a field day if I EVER said that I was unhappy. All they ever do is call me a drama queen, and I never say ANYTHING to them about ANYTHING! Then again they also call me selfish and stuff, so they pretty much know nothing about me, but whatever. Anyway, I'm just gonna continue dealing with this like I have been for the past 8 months. We'll see how long this lasts.

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I Hate Today Already [April the 30th, 2005 - 10:27 AM]
[ mood | sad ]

I am in SUCH a bad mood - ugh! I'm just so stressed out. I'm fucking hysterical crying and where is Sam? SLEEPING! I called her TWICE to wake her up, but God forbid she gets out of the fucking bed. Ok whatever. Fuck you. I always wake up for you - you don't even have to ask! But whatever. I hope you have fucking nightmares.

So here I am, finishing up a report for school, minding my own business, when all of a sudden Mouse starts yelling at me and telling me that I need to give him $200 a month bc I'm 18 now, and $250 if I want cable in my room. He doesn't want me to have the car in college, so he's probably gonna take that away, AND I don't even know if I'm fucking GOING to college now bc Mouse and my mom are steadfast on the fact that they're not helping me pay for it at ALL. I'm completely on my own.

I feel SO helpless and just sad. Yesterday at the vocal recital (which was very good by the way, especially bc it was only like an hour long) I stayed with Drummer James the whole time bc we both didn't have anybody there with us. He convinced me to go to prom and told me that it'd be the best night of my life. I got REALLY excited to go and was finally going to ask my mom about it today, but now I know that I can't go bc I don't have the money!

If my mom and Mouse want rent from me and are going to make me pay for having cable in my room, then there's NO fucking way that they're going to spot me $1000 for prom! So of course I got my hopes up for NOTHING! This ALWAYS happens. There's no way I can deal with this all right now, ESPECIALLY with finals and AP tests coming up and worrying about graduating and passing and now paying for college!

There goes the hope of me ever getting a cell phone again. There goes the hope of me going on vacation with all of my friends this summer. There goes the prom night that Ro and I have been dreaming of for years. There goes EVERYTHING. I'm just left here alone to cry while my mom and Mouse continue to upset me. Whatever. They purposely pick on me bc they think it's funny to make fun of me and remind me that I'm dependant upon them and there's nothing I can do about it. I just want to fucking crawl in a hole and die. Yeah, maybe I'll go do that now...

PS: Thanks for showing me what your priorities are, Sam.

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Tra La La La La... [April the 29th, 2005 - 2:21 PM]
[ mood | hungry ]

I went into school late today - just in time for my business law test, which I think I did pretty decent on, but the true/false was a killer! I know that's supposed to be the easy part, but I *definitely* did better on the essay and the fill-ins. Oh well. That's just me.

After business law I had a free period in religion bc the teacher was absent, so I wrote a note to Ro... that I forgot to give her! In music class I did nothing but study for my economics test while listening to Gabby play "Unforgettable" on the sax. Apparently I was absent one day and Diaz asked a sax player to play on that piece for one of the vocalists during the vocal recital. Since Chris is the only other sax player (and he never plays bc well he doesn't know how!), Gabby was automatically assigned.

That pissed me off SO bad bc I'm so much better than her! I dunno who this little freshman thinks she is! She seriously has SOME pair of balls. When I was a freshman (and even sophmore and junior year for that matter), we had some kind of REVERANCE for the seniors... but no0o. Not THIS year. Ugh! I really don't like Gabby anymore. Mostly I just hate the competition. I remember when Steve Bob played bass and we were the best of friends, but then once he switched to the sax, I was like I FUCKING HATE YOU lol. Even though I'm WAY better than both him AND Gabby. But whatever.

Listening to Gabby play that song made me SO pissed, bc I got reminded of how much I fucking hate band now and how people just piss me off. Plus, she sucks on it! She plays with absolutely NO feeling. She just plays the song straight through, exactly as written. Umm hello Gabby this is a JAZZ band, and the whole essence of jazz is to be free and improvise and be creative and play with emotion! But whatever. I hope she fucks up really bad tonight. The worst part is that the song she's playing on is actually a GOOD song that I LIKE... right Sam? Ro didn't believe me but Sammy and I were just singing it last night!

Anyway, I guess it's good that I'm not on the song since I got to study a bit more my for my final economics test in music class. Although I think that if I was on the song, I wouldn't NEED to practice this much on the day of the show! Lol. Nah jk. I'm really not that cocky, but I *know* that I'm better than Gabby. So anyway, my economics test went pretty well I think! I studied hard (and believe me, there was a HUGE temptation to just give up after the horror of my last test) but I tried my best anyway. I actually think I got higher than a 50 on this one! That'd be awesome! It'd be even better if I passed, and even FANCIER if I got like a 90 bc then I'd have a good final grade, yay! Lol jk. I dunno.

I'm really scared that I'm not going to graduate. I'm failing AP english and AP economics really badly, english especially! I worked so0o hard on my last paper. Even Sam will tell you that I was SO EXCITED to write it! I put so much into it and I KNOW that it was awesome, but she gave me a fucking 70! This is why I hate her grading system! She gives us no set objectives for our papers, and therefore her grading system is completely subjective. That pisses me off so0o much bc it works against me... she hates me! And I hate her! Except I really don't. I just hate that she hates me. And yeah. My economics average is like a 58... and I need a 65 to pass, ahh! I got a 50 last quarter! I just really need to keep it together these last few weeks, bc I REALLY don't want Rutgers taking my admission away, which they CAN do and have done in the past! That'd be bad. Really bad.

So tonight I'm going to the vocal recital at my school like I said. I was supposed to hang out with a bunch of people afterwards, but now that Ro's not going, I really don't wanna hang out with everybody afterwards. I mean I do, but I'd rather come home and talk to Sam if ya wanna know the truth. So I'll be at my school APPROXIMATELY from 7 - 10 tonight. I'd invite you all, but I wouldn't wanna put ya's through that kind of torture haha so yeah. Call me up and we'll make plans for sometime this weekend or next week!

Speaking of which! I'm gonna start visiting my dad more often. I know it's crazy, but I really miss my dogs!!! And he's being really cool now, so if that's the case, then I wanna see my puppies. Well they're not puppies - they're like 5 now (holy shit!) but I love/miss them muchly. Hopefully he starts giving me some money too, bc Mothers Day is coming up and the gift that I wanna get for my mom is gonna wind up costing me $70. PLUS, my mom took my credit card away, so there goes my gas money! And she doesn't plan on giving it back to me anytime soon. Grr. I still haven't talked to my mom about prom yet! I'm gonna e-mail her about it in a little while.

Oh, and fucking Quiznos hasn't called me back yet! I put in an application there and the guy called me back, but I think there was a miscommunication about the hours that I could work so I went to him personally and spoke with him. He made me write some additional information down about my hours and told me he'd get back to me but he never did. I hate that shit. So yeah.

Something else that really pissed me off is the fact that Sara Monster was visiting SI for a few days and I never got to see her! To be honest I'm REALLY offended that Sara and Lauren didn't call me to tell me about it. The only reason I found out was bc Mikey mentioned it to me. That's fucked up. I used to practically LIVE at Lauren's house, and since Sara lived right upstairs, I used to hang out with her ALL the time. She doesn't write me, she doesn't call me, she doesn't talk to me online, she doesn't comment in my journal and now she doesn't wanna see me or hang out with me? I mean yeah I don't really keep in touch with her either, but I had no way of knowing that she was in SI and she should have hit me up to hang out or SOMETHING. I actually feel really bad about it - like I mean nothing to her - and that's a pretty shitty feeling, bc we used to spend a whole lotta time together. Oh well.

Peace <3

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Decent 2 Days... [April the 28th, 2005 - 2:33 PM]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Yesterday and today were both decent days. I don't remember much about yesterday except for the fact that I got to see Alex after band - woot! I've missed Alex SO much. In fact I miss ALL of them from last year. I miss hanging out all the time and stuff. ::Sigh- so sad. Anyway, after band I wound up hanging out with Alex, Jen, Jonathan and Mili for a little bit. We talked about how fucking bad my school is. Yesterday kids put laxitives in the ketchup lol. Good thing I have a salad every day. It's just over-crowded and out of control.

Today was boring. Rosemarie was absent (what else is new) and I had a free period, so the day just kinda dragged on. It was pretty pointless. The only class that went by remotely fast was economics if ya can believe that one! The reason is bc Lisa and I kept passing notes to each other that went a little something like this:

Me: Lisa, I want your bod
Lisa: I'm creaming in my skirt just from looking at you
Me: I'm creaming down to my shoes, so much that they're wet and soggy now, and squish when I walk
Lisa: Can I wear your shoes? It'd turn me on...
Me: Can I sniff your creamy panties?

Lol. I love Lisa! I wish she was my roomate SO bad, but alas, she's going to Syracuse *tear* ... she's awesome. We're bananas together (lol<3). Today Brad asked why we always say we have sex with each other and stuff. HaHa. Well anyway, then I started moaning in the middle of class, and continued moaning while I walked in the hallway until I got out of school lol. It's so nice out. I came home and since then I've been pretty bored, tired, hungry and horny haha. I'm trying to look up information for my report that's due tomorrow but I can't find anything anywhere! Ugh!

Speaking of reports, I have A LOT of them coming up! I'm pretty swamped with school bc it's pretty much coming to a close. By next week I'll be down to a measely 3 classes a day from 10:15 to 12:30. That's cool I guess. I'm just excited about getting the hell out of this hell hole. The place is falling apart.

So my dad called me today. He wants me to come over next weekend bc my low-life trailor park trash relatives are coming over and he wants to brag about me haha. Well, no... he basically wants to show me off bc I have a car, I have my shit together, I'm going to a good college, etc. Meanwhile my retarded cousin is gonna be there with her 6 month old baby... did I mention she's 15? She might be 16 now, but yeah. I remember when she and I used to go crazy over *N Sync together. Now she's gonna be sleeping in my old bedroom with her kid. What a fucking loser. I can't stand her, but at the same time, I feel REALLY bad for her. So yeah. My dad was in a good mood today and decided to call me and be nice to me, telling me he was proud of me and stuff.

Tonight I have to do a paper, study for economics, watch The Apprentice with Sam, and then have an early bed time since I've been REALLY tired lately. Tomorrow I have to go to a vocal recital at my school (it's mandatory for performing arts kids) and then I was SUPPOSED to hang out with Jacquie, Ro and them, but now Ro got invited to hang out with Broken Feather (a REALLY good local band!) so she's gonna go chill and probably hook up with some band kids. I was just thinking today about Ro getting a boyfriend soon. I dunno why. Anyway, I'm kinda pissed our plans got cancelled or whatever, but they were never SET plans so I don't care too much. Maybe I'll hang out with Jacquie, John and a few other kids tomorrow. Maybe not. Anybody wanna do anything? If not I'll just come home and talk to the wifey :)

PS: I played online pool verse Jeff today and lost bc I hit the 8 ball in 4 games in a row! Then I quit. Lol. I <3 Jefferson though.

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The World Sucks [April the 26th, 2005 - 8:45 PM]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

Today wasn't a bad day at all. Other than the fact that I didn't have a ride to school again (grr!) everything was all good in the hood. The day passed by remotely fast and classes were pretty easy. I was worried about AFTER school though bc I had a lunch date with my father! Surprisingly it didn't go bad at ALL. We actually had a really good talk. We hung out for about 4 hours and just talked about so0o many things - mostly our REALLY fucked up family lol. We talked about all the drug addicts, rapists, pathological liars, criminals, jail baits, etc. He wasn't annoying or overly embarassing or anything! Best of all, he wasn't drunk =)

Something that was really bothering me today was the fact that world is just SO FUCKED UP! I know that it's a completely random statement, but I couldn't get that pessimistic thought out of my mind all day! It all started with talking about the OJ Simpson trial in law class. I was only 8 when that whole thing was going on, so I didn't know all the details of the case. But did you guys know that in addition to ALL the other evidence, they found OJ's blood all over the house/property and Nicole's blood and stuff in his car? Wtf! And the jury only deliberated for 10 minutes before deciding that he wasn't guilty! That pissed me off big time. I also remember how all the black people were cheering like crazy when he was found not guilty. Wtf. It's not a race issue people - it's murder!

I hate how a lot of black people always turn things into racial issues. Of course the world isn't rid of all prejudice, but that doesn't mean that everybody's out to get you cuz you're black. Why would anyone be happy about OJ getting away with murder? Just bc he has the same color skin pigment as you doesn't mean that you should be rooting for him to beat the sytem.

And what about the other thing that happened recently with the little black girl? Apparently there was some 5 year old little girl who was going NUTS in school and they couldn't stop her from punching/kicking everyone in sight, and ripping things off the bulletin boards, etc. She was going CRAZY and running/jumping around like an animal. Nobody could control her so the cops were called and they put the little girl in handcuffs bc they thought she could endanger the safety of others or whatever. Well the mother is pressing charges and saying that it's bc the little girl was black that they did that! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Like cops would be racist against a fucking 5 year old... right! Jeebus!

Other things that pissed me off were that my dad and I were talking about how there's DEFINITELY a cure for cancer out there, but the government doesn't want to tell anyone about it bc it would send our economy in a tizzy. Billions and billions of dollars would be lost in pharmasudicals, etc... PLUS the population would sky rocket which would also be HELL for the economy. I mean, with technology these days and all of our medical advancements, there's DEFINITELY a cure. My religion teacher used to work in the medical field and she said that she's pretty much positive that there's a cure out there. It makes me really sad to know that our world is so0o corrupt like that. Plus, you know what else I was thinking? They say that cigarettes trigger lung cancer, right? Well if they know a trigger of lung cancer, why can't they find any other triggers for any other types of cancer? Wtf ever lol. I heard that hot dogs give you cancer too bc of all the shit they put in them =/

I forget what else brought upon my negativity about the world and society today, but all I remember is that it was based around the fact that everyone is SO greedy. EVERYONE is out for themselves: even the holiest people! That's another thing. I was talking about how Michael Jackson gets accused of raping little boys and it's this HUGE issue. Meanwhile, Cardinal Moore (I think that's his name) was convicted of raping dozens of boys, and served on the conclave to choose the next pope! Wtf! Instead of putting him in jail, not only do they let him get away with it, but they let him serve in one of the holiest traditions on earth! That's fucked up.

This world is just a shitty place. We're all going to hell lol... if you believe in that sorta thing (I don't but whatever). The environment is falling apart, people are becoming more and more self-absorbed and just humanity as a whole SUCKS. My dad was talking to me today about people that you would NEVER think to be bad people are the ones who will stab you in the back and lie right to your face. I was like hmm yeah I know where you're coming from on that one mister! I definitely know what it's like to be shocked by something someone does who you thought was amazing, ya know? It's just sad. I dunno wtf is wrong with everyone and what this world is coming to =(

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Thank God It's Over! [April the 25th, 2005 - 12:54 PM]
[ mood | lazy ]

This weekend was the WEEKEND FROM HELL! All I kept thinking about was how badly I wished it was Monday lol. I was pretty much on house arrest with no phone, no car, no friends... it was bad. I did have Sammy though! Sam was AWESOME this weekend! She didn't get mad at me when I had to cut our 10 monthiversary date short on Friday. On Saturday she stayed home bc I was upset, and then pulled an all-nighter with me online! We talked until 5:00 in the morning!

Then she woke up early for me on Sunday! Ok that part took a little encouragement... 4 phone calls lol. But eventually she woke up and we played online pool... for 12 hours! That's right folks! 12 hours! 70 games later, we both decided to go shower, and I managed to sneak a phone up to my room so I could talk to Sammy and watch The L Word. It was an amusing episode indeed. That show is the bomb!

So yeah - that was pretty much my weekend. Entertaining huh? I did nothing but go online and watch a few movies. Mostly it was just being online though. Blah. It reminded me of when I was younger and I would stay online 24/7 haha what a loser!

Well anyway, this morning I woke up on time, got dressed and ready for school, when I went downstairs and saw that my mom and Mouse had left for work without leaving me my car keys! Well I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I'm assuming that it was. I was PISSED bc I actually WANTED to go to school today! I didn't know who I could ask for a ride, and the people that I did ask either weren't going to school or wouldn't get me there in time for english, etc. Finally I decided to just stay home.

At around 11 Rosemarie called me and told me that she came home from school early bc it was a pointless day. At first I was kicking myself for not realizing that there was no senior english today... meaning that I WOULDN'T have been late for school, and I could have gotten a ride or taken the bus or something. But then Ro told me that a lot of people didn't go bc a lot of classes were cancelled and such. Plus, according to her Diaz was in a PISSED OFF mood and was furious at us for not going to see the performing arts play on Friday. I mean I kind of have an excuse (my mother put me on house arrest) but I know that even if I told him to call my mom and ask, I still wouldn't have escaped the wrath of Diaz.

So yeah. Apparently school was annoying and pointless today, so I'm kinda glad I didn't go. I dunno. I really didn't do much of anthing though today and the hours are passing by so fast! It's already after 1 now. I'm playing online pool with Sam, and at 2 my dad is expected to call me. I think he's taking me out for lunch or something. He called me yesterday. I usually don't answer when it's him, but my sister picked up and gave me the phone. I couldn't escape it lol. I don't really remember much of what happened after that, but apparently we have a date? I dunno. We'll see what happens.

5|be part of my world|+memories+|edit

Best Blonde Joke Ever! [April the 23rd, 2005 - 11:22 PM]
Click here to read it!
5|be part of my world|+memories+|edit

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